It's been five years...five long years back when the greatest turning point in my life and that of my family's happened. A dilemma where every mortal has no choice but to face and accept what's inevitable...death. In all my life i never imagined that i would be experiencing such lost...never even in the slightest pigment of my imagination. Well maybe because I have always believed that life on earth is just too wonderful to live and forget that as mortals we come face to face with our final destination...eternity. In my heart i swear i hate the thought of losing someone in my life..human as i am..the hurt is really traumatic. Who amongst us does not fear the pangs of death? Just the thought that you will not be seeing the person you love in all your life here on earth...missing all the memories (the happy ones and even the sad ones) that you build together would somehow make us crippled. And it's a fact. Easy to say that you're ready to go but harder to admit that you're leaving the ones you love.
When my brother passed away...at his early 30's..leaving his three kids behind..i felt like I wanna bargain my life for him. If I may recall how I was taken aback when the news broke to us...my nerves in callous...my mind in complete surrendering...and my heart in great pain...I must say now that this must have been the same feeling when Mama Mary was in deep sorrow when Jesus died on the cross and she as a mother being left helpless. And then again I remember how my mother wept and how much I saw my father for the first time broke into tears. That was pathetic!The concern was not at all 'bout my own feelings but that of those who gave big brother life on earth..my parents...and kuya as the first child of six siblings...feelings that no amount of words could just barely define.
I knew then I was not alone. My faith as a believer I really did succumb. My family then seemed like with nowhere to go. That hollow thing in our emotional aspect. The numbness in our life went obvious. I said to myself at the end of the day that I will not be seeing big brother anymore. The smiles... that somehow may just had been left unnoticed by me back then when he was still at my reach. The moments when we would go in marathon who's to hold the t.v's remote control and be the master what channel we had to watch from against our will...and the simple favor he'd asked to fetch his kids to school that I even ended up arguing. Ahhh! These are momentum I recount during my sleepless nights of trying to figure out his countenance still much filled with what if's and if only's in my heart and mind. His picture I could still clearly memorize.
Now that we have finally moved on..it is best to remember him, already an accomplished christian and experiencing the kind of happiness that every believer hope to have, something infinite and true...and it's being with our God. We might seemed to have been enjoying the life that God has lent for us but to look at life in its deepest perspective and in ultimate end...one day we will have to go and say "mission accomplished" in front of the Giver of Life.
To top it all, I wanna say "thank you Lord for sharing us the life of our big brother!" I may not had been able to show him how grateful i am to have him as my "kuya" and may not grew up too close as siblings...in my heart...of the same blood and genes that run through our viens..I know I love him so!
I miss you kuya...so much!!!
Lord forgive my tears at this very hour of my recollection...just that i am only human.