luv song

nagsound trip ako kaninang umaga...ninamnam ko mga lyrics ng bawat luv songs na narinig ko..napagtanto ko na hindi lang pala ito mga kantang nilagyan ng melody upang mapansin ng tao..ang bawat kanta ay may kwento...minsan ito pa ay pumupukaw sa mga matagal na nating naninibughong damdamin...nawawalan lang tayo ng tamang ekspresyon para maipaabot ito o maipadama sa taong involve...ano nga bang meron sa mga kanta?bakit mas tinatamaan tayo kapag inaawit ang mga salita kesa sinsabi lang o tinutula?kapag nasasaktan ako..pakiramdam ko lahat ng kantang nakakalungkot nagsasabi ng kwento ng buhay ko..and its true...naiiyak ako with the songs..para bang ramdam din ng writer ng kanta ang nasa dibdib ko..kasi sabi nila kahit gaano man daw katigas ang puso ng isang tao, we always go back to being human..natatamaan din..marahil minsan gusto lang nating i-deny ang totoo para hindi gaanong nakakatouch ng ego pero ang isip di kayang diktahan ang nilalaman ng puso..di naman ako naniniwala na may taong bato ang damdamin...tirahin mo lang ito sa kung saan sya mahina..dun sa parte na hindi nya kayang mabuhay ng wala ito...hindi bagay kundi ang kanyang kapwa-tao..kaibigan man o kadugo....
....meron akong bagong kaibigan..masasabi kong espesyal na rin sya sa kin ngayon..kelan ko lang sya nakilala pero bawat pag-uusap namin ay para bang isa syang matagal ko nang nawawalang kasama...sa tuwing nag-uusap kami...unti-unti nakikilala ko sya....kabe-break lamang nila ng girlfriend nya kaya isa syang napakalungkot na nilalang bago ko nakilala..sa una nag-alangan ako sa kanya..natakot ako na baka walang epekto sa kanya friendship ko...ngunit sa kalaunan nagulat ako...marunong na syang ngumiti at magpatawa kahit papano..aba!ang sarap ng feeling epektibo din pala ako bilang nilalang..

naranasan nyo na ba yun? sabi nila mas masarap magbigay ng walang hinihintay na kapalit pero natakot ako inaamin ko...nagising ako isang araw na hindi na pala sya ang nangailangan ng karamay...ako na pala..hulaan nyo kung bakit? naku!mukhang nalalayo na ako sa tema ko..mabalik tayo sa luv songs..narinig ko kasi paborito nyang kanta habang nakasakay ako ng jeepney...dinama ko ang lyrics...song nya for his ex-gf..nalungkot ako...ang sakit pala ng pinagdaanan nya...pero ito ang nakakagulat!nasaktan ako ng ninamnam kong pakinggan ang kanta! gusto ko tuloy maiyak!ano ba 'to? wala naman akong kinalaman sa buhay nya kung tutuusin pero bakit sya parang may kinalaman na sa buhay ko!aray ko!tama ba 'to? nasabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko na sana di ko na lang tinanong peborit nyang kanta...kasi naman usyusera ako!kaya ito napala ko!naku naman!pero ok lang mabalik tayo sa sinabi ko na kapag napasaya mo na ang isang tao..di tamang humingi ka ng kapalit...ok lang managinip pero kelangan mo ring magising!...grabe ng tama sa kin ang mga luv songs...para bang sinasabi na nito istorya ng buhay ko...alam ko pag sinubukan mo ring makinig kasama pati puso mo...hindi man maipaliwanag pakiramdam mo tinulungan ka na ng kanta na maipaabot laman ng puso mo sa lahat ng tao.

nagsenti daw ako?!!!hehehehe...epekto lang ng luv songs!:) next time di na siguro ako magtatanong peborit nyang kanta...baka maloka na ako sa sagot nya...hek!hek!

the mother that i know..

not everyday i get to express my emotions into words...when at times it's hard for me to utter a prayer for series of reasons i wish to confide to HIM.... i know for a fact that even when i don't have to say it...just as God could count the numbers of my hair same as He knows with what's within my heart...i guess this time i have made my knees callous...down on bended knee...i know deep in my heart God knows how deep i have been lately with every decision that i'm making each day...so long that i've waited to have felt total serenity not only when inside His holy temple but most importantly in my daily struggles in life..in my everyday encounter with people...i hate to see someone in despair...not even a stanger...it makes me sad...it melts me...that's why it's important to make sure to be somehow giving impact and painting smiles in life....i have always been feeling at peace...but not until i heard mama crying this morning.

what gift could else make happier or the happiest a mother than the love and concern coming from her husband and children?...she may have been talking all the time...whether it's a nagging thing or just to express an opinion but deep inside i know she's still talking less..she hasn't spoken with what's in her heart...

i may have been very good at giving sound advice to friends and people...but not today...i've been speechless hearing my mother bursting in tears...she's hurting..somebody close to her heart caused her such pain...but there's nothing i could do than listen and said nothing...i could not even look at her countenance...coz i know it's hurting me even more...my parents did not bring us up to be very open with our feelings..we're not mushy people...and it seems to me that not being used to it to my family has brought such anxiety in my heart..

...i cannot speak out and tell mama that it's ok coz i'm here...yes i was there when she cried...but i was stucked and remained dumbfounded clinging unto my pillow in bed while listening to that commotion she created so vaguely...but my ears were big to listen..it was mama crying...i could have gotten up and hugged her...but i did nothing...and the startling thought was telling me that it's ok to see her cry...i say.."let go of it mom!"....that tears will help give her relief...because she hasn't been talking what lies deep in her heart...let tears wash away the pain.

i could read mama...and even when she gives endless talking each day...i know a part of what she's not been saying is what makes her surpass from her own struggle......it's the fact that she's a mother...she may have been full of reasoning on her own..some may be quite boring..or some too comforting..that defines her still....i know that when i'll be a mom...i might be talking the same thing...speaking most of the day...feeling much...worrying a bit....but still talking less of my feelings...concealing some....now i know who mama is...and i will most probably be like one someday....maybe.

...happy mother's day mom!

...i'm just an inch away...even when you don't have to speak out...my heart already listens...if it hurts you..it doubly hurts me.

..i luv you so! ...i wouldn't be here if not for you.

smile and the world will smile with you!

I can't help but admire this pic...never seen such smile ever!hehehe..di ko lang sure kung anong uri ng creature 'to!

and then i was born..

happy birthday to me!happy birthday to me!happy birthday,happy birthday,happy birthday to me!!!oh!blow your candle na evz!wheewww!!!!bwahhaha!!wawa naman ako, parang nagsosolo na talaga ako sa buhay!!

trivia lang:ever since hindi pa naranasan ng lola nyo magblow ng candle sa cake sa kaarawan nito!!huhuhu!kaya eto..nag-i-imagine!hehehe!pero wag ka..di pa nagbirthday ang lola na walang inihaw na manok mula kay papa..lumang paniniwala tapos nakasanayan na sa amin..tapos ipapahid sa noo at wrist(ano nga ba tagalog ang wrist?nge!kalimutan ko!)ang konting dugo ng inihaw na manok...di ko alam kong anong explanation nun sa mga matatanda..basta ang alam ko para may swerte sa mga darating na taon!naku!sana naman!!

yup!this is the day that the Lord has made and my parents rejoice dahil ipinanganak ang napakacute na sanggol na hanggang ngayon pinanindigan na talaga ang pagiging cute!hehe!walang magre-react!blog ko 'to!kasi naman di na talaga ako tumangkad!mas mataas naman ako kay ate Glo no!pero k lang..at least masasabi pa rin ng tao: "si evz 15 something na!" when actually "20 something na!"( ang tanong ilan kaya yung something?)hehehe!naks!nakuha nyo ba humor ko?korny!

inaaliw ko lang self ko...hayy naku..i have to coz this is my day.

ang ganda ng bungad ng araw sa'kin first thing in the morning...while riding in a jeepney way home, akalain nyong pinara ng pulis ang sinakyan ko..may violation ata si manong driver..pagdating ko sa may kanto sa amin dumaan muna ako ng simbahan, malapit lang kasi church hauz namin..usal ako ng konting dasal kay Lord..pasasalamat sa isang bago na namang kabanata ng buhay ni evz...then nagtirik ng kandila na pinaghintay pa talaga ako ng nagbibinta ng candle..ewan ko kung natagalan lang sa banyo...pag-uwi ko ng bahay..akalain ko ba namang biglang nagtalo sina mama at papa..usual naman yun pero sana naman pinalampas muna nila ang araw na 'to, nag-usap din naman ng matino pagkalipas ng ilang oras...hayy naku natawa na lang ako..at pabiro kong nasabi kay Lord, "kasama ba ako sa friendster list mo Lord?parang things don't seem to fall into place ata this morning!hehehe!"..pero biro lang yun! ok lang naman ako ngayon..you know, real happiness should come from within not from the outside force..we cannot please everybody naman talaga in for whatever circumstance in life..kelangan lang siguro lagi tayo handa sa mga kaganapan sa paligid natin...sa lahat ng pagkakataon dahil walang pinipiling oras ang mga masasaya o malulungkot na bagay sa mundo...kahit birthday mo pa evz!:)...kaya naman mahal na mahal ko talaga parents ko...sa kabila ng pagtatalo nila ay naipagluto pa rin ako ng masarap na pancit, manok at lumpia ni mama...mmmm..namiss ko ata family ko...i'm at work most of the day and i only have three to four hours time spent with my family..kalungkot talaga!first time ko 'to nagbirthday na wala sa bahay ng buong araw...

salamat sa mga kaibigan ko at kamag-anak na bumati sa akin sa araw na ito!i may not be rich with material things here on earth but for sure may isang bagay akong maipagmamalaki..that..i am rich with people and friends!!Knowing this..in my heart i could not ask God for more...thank God for all!

happy birthday self!:)

Remembering Big Brother...

It's been five years...five long years back when the greatest turning point in my life and that of my family's happened. A dilemma where every mortal has no choice but to face and accept what's inevitable...death. In all my life i never imagined that i would be experiencing such lost...never even in the slightest pigment of my imagination. Well maybe because I have always believed that life on earth is just too wonderful to live and forget that as mortals we come face to face with our final destination...eternity. In my heart i swear i hate the thought of losing someone in my life..human as i am..the hurt is really traumatic. Who amongst us does not fear the pangs of death? Just the thought that you will not be seeing the person you love in all your life here on earth...missing all the memories (the happy ones and even the sad ones) that you build together would somehow make us crippled. And it's a fact. Easy to say that you're ready to go but harder to admit that you're leaving the ones you love.

When my brother passed away...at his early 30's..leaving his three kids behind..i felt like I wanna bargain my life for him. If I may recall how I was taken aback when the news broke to us...my nerves in callous...my mind in complete surrendering...and my heart in great pain...I must say now that this must have been the same feeling when Mama Mary was in deep sorrow when Jesus died on the cross and she as a mother being left helpless. And then again I remember how my mother wept and how much I saw my father for the first time broke into tears. That was pathetic!The concern was not at all 'bout my own feelings but that of those who gave big brother life on earth..my parents...and kuya as the first child of six siblings...feelings that no amount of words could just barely define.

I knew then I was not alone. My faith as a believer I really did succumb. My family then seemed like with nowhere to go. That hollow thing in our emotional aspect. The numbness in our life went obvious. I said to myself at the end of the day that I will not be seeing big brother anymore. The smiles... that somehow may just had been left unnoticed by me back then when he was still at my reach. The moments when we would go in marathon who's to hold the t.v's remote control and be the master what channel we had to watch from against our will...and the simple favor he'd asked to fetch his kids to school that I even ended up arguing. Ahhh! These are momentum I recount during my sleepless nights of trying to figure out his countenance still much filled with what if's and if only's in my heart and mind. His picture I could still clearly memorize.

Now that we have finally moved on..it is best to remember him, already an accomplished christian and experiencing the kind of happiness that every believer hope to have, something infinite and true...and it's being with our God. We might seemed to have been enjoying the life that God has lent for us but to look at life in its deepest perspective and in ultimate end...one day we will have to go and say "mission accomplished" in front of the Giver of Life.

To top it all, I wanna say "thank you Lord for sharing us the life of our big brother!" I may not had been able to show him how grateful i am to have him as my "kuya" and may not grew up too close as siblings...in my heart...of the same blood and genes that run through our viens..I know I love him so!

I miss you kuya...so much!!!
Lord forgive my tears at this very hour of my recollection...just that i am only human.

happy birthday bespren!

it's my bespren's birthday!til now busog pa rin ako sa treat na binigay ni bespren..pizza!!yummy!!then the blackforest shake!naku!babalik-balikan ko talaga yun!!but the highlight of the event is the fact that we still feel the same fire and passion for our "samahan" though we seldom go out coz of our unsymmetrical schedule..tama ba naman yung term?ah basta!i was really having fun kanina with my two college buddies ( nancy and luvz)...thanks for the moment guys..this will surely be another important page in my continued search and journey everyday in life...thank God for the gift of friendship!i'm blessed to have the best!

bespren..naloka ako sa kaserola!..grabee..you are really full of surprises!i luv it!u have always been so unique..kaya labs kita!tell ervien i appreciate his effort! naku!i-blog talaga!pwede namang i-txt na lang!hehehe..la lang..feel ko eh!
hapi birtdi!:)

The lives we made...worth it?

"A thousand journey begins with a single step.."

i don't know why i come up with this saying...ang alam ko lang ay along the way i realize na tayo naman talaga gumagawa ng ating kapalaran..kumbaga, how will i know what's at the distance if i would not begin to take a step..opps!i hope may relevance ang mga sinasabi kong to sa saying ko...actually at this point in time wala naman talaga akong ibang maisip..in my heart i've so much to tell but then again i could hardly bring them into words..kung simulan ko kaya kwento ko when i was still a kid and how i came to be here...sure thing it would be a novel of thousand pages!where some parts have no thrill while some have..subukin ko kayang gumawa ng telenovela?mag-hit kaya?

araw-araw kasi na sumasakay ako ng jeepney where i encounter different kind of people..when i look at them..closely..maiisip ko talaga na... of their different facial expressions..by just looking at them..i'm sure these people have interesting story to tell sa mga sari-sarili nilang buhay...and curious ako to find out whose got the most controversial one..hehehe..tsismosa din pala akew! well,looking back to my saying..life is really a very interesting thing...if i would look around me..alam ko sa mga panahon na humaharap ako sa mga challenges ng buhay..hindi ako nag-iisang lumalaban..andyan ka..andyan sila...at higit sa lahat andyan si God.

i must confess na minsan..napapaisip din ako kung ano kaya kung ako yung isa sa mga pulubi na namamalimos sa gilid ng mga pathways...kayanin ko kaya? tinatanong ko sarili ko bakit sila nasa lansangan? naks!parang nagsenti na ako nito! but then seriously, yah! i could say that i'm luckier to be in this world able to enjoy life with nice clothes, provided with good shelter and with a decent job...and supportive family..siguro naman these are enough reasons para sumbatan ko self ko na wala ako karapatan magreklamo sa buhay...

last week, i spent holy week at my lola's province..naupo lang ako sa gilid ng tindahan ng lola ko kung saan may nagkukwentohan..ang dami ko na nasagap na kwento..even if i would refuse to listen..maiintriga ka talaga sa update ng buhay nila..daig pa yung mga teleserye na napapanuod natin sa tv... na si ganito maraming utang..na nag-away sila dahil sa utang..na si ganito lasinggo..at si ganito nakipag-away sa kapitbahay..na si ganito walang trabaho..istambay..na si ganito nakapag-asawa ng sugarol..na si ganito nag-asawa at nabuntis ng maaga...ang malas naman ni ganito no?if i would put their stories together in one setting but of different characters and roles siguro panalo na ko sa Palanca Awards..baka mapantayan ko pa si Nick Joaquin na isang sikat na writer.

hayy naku!sana naman may koneksyon ang mga pinagsasabi ko...la lang..just to release the surge of wanting to sleep at this unholy hour...but i'm sure may katuturan pa rin to... i just realize na importante pala ang bawat natin paghakbang..ganun ka rin ba?..ikaw na nagbabasa ngayon nito..ano kaya kwento ng buhay mo?

An Open letter to my Bespren

It's been years...taon na rin pala binilang natin to last our friendship..wow!..words are not enough to define how much my friendship with you become like a part already of my entire being..kung may five senses ang tao..i must say i have six..ikaw pang-anim(naks!)..kumbaga hindi na siguro talaga buo pagkatao ko kung di kita nakilala fren...of all the things that we've been thru..nakakaiyak na nakakatawa...dahil kung kelan pa tayo nagshare sa isat-isa ng mga sarili nating buhay, saka pa natin napatunayan that our friendship is for keep...alam mo yung pakiramdam na tanggap ka sa kabila ng mga kahinaan mo at palpak mo bilang tao?...sumtyms we thought that our imperfections will myk us not available and welcome to another else's life...but then in the long run doon mo pala ma-re-realize na we don't have to be perfect to have each other as a gift....coz there's a complete reassurance that ours is for real...i must say...we're both lucky to have each other as best of buddies in this very complicated world...gusto ko kahit tumanda ako na mag-isa sana andyan ka parin...karugtong ng buhay ko...just that gwapa lang ka ug half shot sa akoa!jok lang! of course mas gwafa ka pero mas sexy ko gamay lang!! pagbigyan mo na ko fren...blog ko to!la ka magagawa!!! hehehe.:)

salamat kaibigan...sa walang sawang pakikinig ng teleserye ng totoo kong buhay...for the first time wala yata akong ibang masabi maliban sa simpleng "thank you"...my God...believe me...i almost wanna feel lyk cryin...ikaw lang nakakapagpagaan ng dibdib ko ng ganito fren...isipin ko lang na ur my one big fan , feeling ko mas dinaig ko pa titulo ni Juday!...sana lang wag ka magsawa..funny na baya ko ron..nagmana pala ako sayo after all...hehehe...maaring ako lang ang kaibigan mo na walang bagay na maipamamana sayo maliban sa pagtitiwala at pagmamahal bilang tunay na kaibigan mo...wala akong kayamanan sa mundo fren..i swear...wala akong bagay na maipagmalaki sayo na pag-aari ko...but the pureness of my intention..my friendship..

naku..!.ano ba to!kaloka! akala ko ba funny na ko...mukhang nagdrama na naman ako...sensya na fren..sige na nga...hindi ko na hahabaan to...lam ko naiyak ka na.

i luv u bespren!!Thanks for being there...even when i dont have to speak out..but you still listen...by heart.

Happy Birthday!!!

to:Ms. Luvly Patricio-Mendoza