Got this from my mail box...just wanna share..

You're in love with a human being and not with superman!!!

A few years back...I was so excited to meet that special someone who
will make my life complete. I thought I had it all
na kasi except for that someone who will make me
forget about my fears and heartaches.

Many times...I thought nakilala ko na siya...
but many times I realized that hindi pala siya.
I don't know kung hindi talaga siya para sa akin or ako
lang yung may problema...dahil i just can't get
contented with what I have.
Masaya lang kasi sa una...then after that, sunod sunod na ang away,
kung wala namang away, wala namang thrill.
And I end up getting tired of hoping that tomorrow will make up
 for today...Finally, I decided that maybe
its better to try my luck elsewhere, maybe,
someone else's love will make me feel complete.
Every woman wants a man who will make ! her feel
special...and treat her like she's everything in his life...
He's always busy...he doesn't
have time for me. He promised to take me out for dinner
and movie and then biglang tatawag "B, sorry I can't take you out
today,my boss asked me to work tonight, may hinahabol kasing deadline.
Nakakahiya naman pag hindi ko pagbibigyan.

Hayaan mo I'll make it up to you next time." And it happens all the
time. I often end up spending the day crying in my room.
"Bakit gan'un, he doesn't care about me...
I was looking forward to see him today. Hindi ba niya ako
namimiss?" Kaya heto ako...I've made up my mind na..
...I'll give him what he wants...he probably won't miss me anyway.
I'm always last sa lahat ng priorities niya.
Im not important to him at all. If he can't treat me
right, somebody else will!

Mahimbing ang tulog niya...when he came home. D man lng niya ako
napansin.He gave me a kiss sa cheek and ginulo ang buhok ko...after ! that
dumeretso nasa kuarto at natulog. I won't wake him up anymore..
..susulat na lng ako...at parang isang panaginip...pagising niya wala na ako.

Dear Jake,

While you're reading this letter, wala na ako...you probably won't see
me again. I won't tell you the details anymore coz alam mo na yun. but i
guess you deserve to know why...Lately, I realized that this is not the kind
of life that I want for myself..you know that I've been lonely most of my
life and I want to share my life with someone who won't take me for
granted, who will make me happy every second of my life. Forgive me but
I guess, hanggang dito na lng tayo. I just want you to know that I love
you and I want you to be happy too.

Maan

With tears in my eyes, I left the letter beside him para makita niya
paggising niya. And then I looked at him. Ang guapo guapo niya...napangiti
ako...naaalala ko nung una ko siyang makilala. I met this guy sa
schoolnung college. Ang daming nagkakagusto sa kanya but I don't know what he saw
in me at ako ang niligawan niya kahit inaaway ko siya. I was scared of
him before, para kasing playboy ang mukha...I was broken hearted at
that time and getting hurt again was the last thing I wanted. But then he
was persistent and he was really nice to me. At first, our relationship was
extraordinary. wala akong masabi.

Nobody has ever treated me like that...kaya lang as time went by...we
both got busy and despite the fact that we both lived under one roof, we
seldom spent time with each other. He buys me anything I want but I dont
really need anything...I just need him. But i guess, he changed a lot since
the first time we were together, siguro he fell out of love and he just
can't tell me...Ba't kasi kailangan pang magbago ang lahat....kaya heto na
naman ako, muling mag iisa.I didn't realize, I was staring at him for 3
hours.

Gumalaw siya and something fell off his hand---ballpen?! and then I saw
a piece of paper sa tabi niya.. I was curious kaya binasa ko and it goes
like this...

Dear Maan,

For all the times that I have disappointed you, I'm really sorry. I
know I've been out of your sight often and that I always make you feel bad.
Im really sorry. I want you to know that even though wala ako sa tabi
mo...I'm always thinking about you. You are the reason why I work hard. I want
to give you everything in life because you deserve everything and I want
you to be happy. Kaya forgive me kung hindi tayo natuloy last week. I had to
work double time para matuloy tayo ngayon. I know that you've always wanted
to go south sa beach. I can't afford a house by the beach right now but I
hope that I've made you happy today. I love you baby. I love you more than
you'll ever know. Happy Valentines Day!

With lots of love,
Jake

What if hindi ko nakita ang ! letter na to? I could have committed the
greatest mistake of my life, letting go of someone who loves me the way
this man does. I will never forgive myself for thinking that he was unfair,
that he doesn't care, that he doesn't love me. I couldn't help myself but
cry.
All the while, I was the one being unfair and selfish and I feel so
stupid for failing to see what this man is doing for me. Valentines na pala
next week. I havent got anything for him yet...ahh alam ko na, from now
on,hindi na ako mangungulit. I can wake up tomorrow and pretend that nothing
happened tonight. I placed his letter back under his pillow and I tore mine
into pieces. Tapos, niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. I love you, b. I
whispered. He wrapped his arms around me at ginulo ang buhok ko (gulat ako) I love
you more he told me. And he laughed. He was watching me all the time?! O,
tapos naba ang drama mo? Kanina pa kita hinihintay. And he turned off the
lights.

---the realization---she is married to jake! not to clark( the superman);)
---but honestly i am so touched with this...really it moved me & my bespren too.

In letting go...

A friend of mine told me," how can he let go of someone or something he never had in the first place ev?

...i shared to her all my experiences with all the boys i'd loved before( song 'to di ba?)...and then there's one who sent me a message about the hard thing in letting go...i was wondering what it means to him who sent it...was i already a part of him?

...sometimes guys can be very mysterious..because they seldom show their emotion...they seldom cry....they seldom talk about feelings when compared to women...but when its time for them to really show it..you know by then that sometimes ....its too late...i guess its really true that you will only realize a person's worth when you feel like you're already losing him/her...and it seems to me that some things now are in right perspective..i just felt i'm important now that i'm already slowly back on my feet again without him...might be too hard to imagine that it's over for both of us but i've made up my mind...my trust was once wasted ...i can't afford to completely let it be wasted again..

....i've made up my mind...i'm letting go the love i thought i already know...maybe by now it's hard for me to trust a man again...but it's not fair that i would be closing door only because someone hurt me in my past...

...maybe in time...when i'm ready to trust again..we can't tell when it's destiny that will lead us there...but for now..i say, "i am free!"....after all...happiness is just a state of mind....they say you cannot find it outside but real joy is just within...there in your heart and mind.

ang e-mail ni ate sa abroad..

Maluha-luha kong binasa ang e-mail ng isang malapit na kaibigan na kelangan makipagsapalaran sa ibang bansa upang kumita ng sapat para sa kanyang naiwang pamilya dito sa Pinas...hindi ko alam pero tila meron akong kirot bigla na naramdaman sa puso ko lalo na nung mabanggit nya ang kanyang asawa at mga anak...ngayon ko masyadong napagtanto na sadya ngang di napakadali ang malayo sa pamilya...masyadong umantig sa puso ko ang bawat linyang "namimiss ko na pamilya ko dyan sa pinas evs!..but i have to sacrifice because this struggle is for them.."..whew! wala yatang mapaglagyan ang bigat ng aking dibdib..

naalala ko si ate ko na nangibang bansa rin upang maisakatuparan ang matagal na nyang pangarap para sa aming mga magulang at nang maiahon sila sa kahirapan...sana'y nagkaroon din ako ng lakas meron sila...hindi ako gaanong nakikipagcommunicate sa kanya pero this time nag-email ako para kumustahin si sis...sanay si sis ng malayo sa amin dahil simula ng nagtapos sya ng college ay tumulak na sya papuntang maynila para makipagsapalaran hangga't sa maisipan nya ang mag-abroad...ngunit alam kong iba pa rin ang nandyan ka lang sa lupa mong sinilangan...yung alam mong kung gusto mo nang umuwi sa pamilya mo ay pwede kang kumuha agad-agad ng tiket sa barko o eroplano para makauwi..ngunit di ganun kadali ang magtrabaho sa ibang bansa..may kontrata kang dapat tapusin at panindigan....

ang matalik kong kaibigan naman ay alam kong naninibago pa sa katayuan nya ngayon dahil first time nyang mawalay sa kanyang mga mahal sa buhay...kaya ganun na lang ang naramdaman kong lungkot sa kanyang kalagayan...naisip ko tuloy...na sana'y kayang maibsan ng mga emails at mga txt messages ang pangungulila nya ngayon...para akong napilay sa mga emosyong pinahayag nya sa kanyang liham tungkol sa hirap na kanyang pinagdadaanan...she felt like she has just started from scratch...lalo na nung sabihin nya na hindi pa gaanong malaki ang kanyang kita sa bago nyang trabaho dahil nagsisimula pa sya ngunit kelangan nyang mag-sideline upang di masayang ang bawat minutong pananatili nya sa pook ng mga banyaga....at yun ay ang gawin ang bagay na di nya nakasanayan..

...si ate( yun ang tawag ko sa kanya since we were in college) ay isang guro..nagtuturo na rin sya Thailand...wala pang isang buwan ang pananatili nya doon pero sa pakiwari ko'y para bang gusto na agad nyang umuwi upang mayakap ang mga anak...nakakalungkot man isipin na ito na yata ang buhay nating mga pinoy sa tuwing naiisip natin na kelangan nating magpursige sa buhay upang masuportahan lamang ang pangangailangan ng pamilya...ano nga ba yung ang tangi lang naman nating hangad sa ay mabigyan ng maginhawang pamumuhay ang pamilya at makapag-aral ang mga anak at makapagtapos...sa hirap ng buhay ngayon...iilan na lang ba sa atin ang di nangarap na makapag-abroad? hindi dahil tinalikuran na natin ang bayang Pilipinas kundi dahil may kanya-kanya tayong pangarap sa buhay na nais nating makamit...walang tao dito sa mundo na hindi nangarap magkaroon ng desenting buhay..

...kahit pa nga siguro si Juan Tamad na bida sa komiks ay pinangarap din nyang sa kanyang pagkakahiga ay mahulog ang bunga ng isang puno sa kanyang bunganga..yun nga lang di sya nangarap sa paraang kelangan nyang pagpaguran..mahiwaga talaga ang buhay ng tao....nakakalungkot man isipin na kelangan natin magsilbi sa ibang bansa upang magtagumpay sa buhay ngunit sa mga sandaling iisipin mo na ang kapakanan ng iyong pamilya ay mawawala ang iyong pangambang makipagsapalaran saan mang dako ng mundo at kalimutan ang pride na natitira sa'yo...kaya to all OFW-OCW...mabuhay kayo sa inyong katatagan at tibay ng loob!...at sa dalawa kong ate na nasa abroad...ito lang masasabi ko.."ikinararangal kong may mga taong katulad nyo...basta wag lang magbago, wag makalimot sa Diyos at lumaki ang ulo dahil sa pera!"...God Bless mga sis ko! alam ng Diyos ang daing ng inyong mga puso...di ka pa man lumalapit sa Kanya...ay nakangiti na Siyang nag-aabang sa iyong pagsaklolo.

soul searching...

i sat quietly in one corner...
hoping to find serenity within me...
the wind was blowing gently..
kissing me entirely....
i looked around to find familiar faces...
but what i saw was my mere reflection in the shadow...
it felt odd...i was again alone..
it was just yesterday when i heard my heartbeat in a song...
i knew from that moment i was in unexplainable jaunt..
my mind was empty..my shoulder so weary..
seemed like i was almost drowning from feeling the silence around me...
i wanted to shout and say, "hey!~can somebody hear me?"
i just needed to talk to let go of this anxiety!

--- nagsoul-searching ako.....masaya ako sa buhay ko pero parang ang bilis yata ng lahat ng mga pangyayari...napagod ako..pakiramdam ko hinahabol ako ng oras...nakalimutan kong ako ang may hawak nito at hindi sya...na-eenjoy ko naman ang bawat minuto pero bakit sa tuwing paggising ko tuwing umaga ay para bang kinuha na sa'kin ang mga alaala? masaya nga ba ako? o sadyang di lang ako nakontento?....nakakalito...kapag ganitong nagsesenti ako nagiguilty ako pagkatapos...hindi kaya ako batukan ni LOrd? sabi ko naman ala akong right magcomplain sa buhay! nakita ko nga yung isang mama sa mall..putol isa nyang kamay...nalungkot ako...nakakahiya palang aminin na masyado akong humiling ng mga bagay-bagay sa mundo!

sa tuwing binabalikan ko ang mga nangyari sa buhay ko nitong mga huling linggo...nakakaaliw isipin ngunit ilang saglit lang ay para bang bula na lang itong naglaho...bahay-trabaho-kain-tulog---ito na ang buhay ko....minsan nilalagyan ko ng rainbow para may kulay...sinusubukan kong ngumiti kahit sa mga kapwa ko pasahero tuwing nakacommute ako...o di kaya'y gawin ang mga bagay na di ko nakasanayan...ang pumasok sa mga sosyal na pook upang malaman anong mundo kaya meron sila? i'm sure pareho lang kami...naghahanap sa buhay...yung simple pero totoong masaya...

... di ko na alam pa'no tapusin entry na 'to!basta bukas...sisigaw ako...sasabihin ko sa buong mundo...gusto ko lang talagang umutot!!!ayaw ko nang magpigil!heheehehe....ok bah?..nakakabaliw pala mag-soul-searching!la lang!!seryoso ako ha!

i wasn't able to say the line...but my actions spoke louder..

i swear i was the happiest daughter alive yesterday...i got to date with my mom since we seldom go out together...but this was the first time i gave her a good treat for mother's day..coming from my own wallet...we just ate after hearing mass...kaya lang feeling ko it went out funny coz mas marami pa yata akong in-order at kinain kesa sa nanay koh!para yatang ako ang nagcelebrate ng araw ko!anyway, as what i said in my last entry about my mom..we didn't grow up as mushy people who are not open to our emotions...kaya natapos lang naman ang araw na di ko man lang nasabi how much i luv her...but i know my actions said it all...we just plainly talk...let her ate the food she wanted...ganun ako kasimple magpahalaga...words don't have to say it all..but my heart is big enough to try hard to show it...

..seems like this year ko lang talaga masyadong napahalagahan, na-enjoy at na-cherish ang lahat ng moments ko with my family...kasi nga we're busy people...di naman kami yumaman!hehehe...i guess we just don't have much time to spend each other's company together..ito lang siguro ang kulang sa'min...kaya may mga times na hindi kami halos nagkakaintindihan sa bahay kahit sa mga maliliit na desisyon tungkol sa isang bagay....99% of the members of my family are all superiors...kaya we always end up on a debate...one time naalala ko...nagkaroon kami ng diskusyon with mama and papa..kaming tatlo...i tried to be calm dahil alam ko we'll end up on a debate kung di ako magpapatalo...at the end of our discussion..i found myself laughing...totoo nga talagang parents are born superior and dominants in some ways...wala talagang nagpatalo sa kanila...kaya i kept quiet na lang and listen...mabuti na lang kahit papano..i was given by God the wisdom to understand things i cannot change...diplomatic at tamed din pala ako na nilalang kahit papano..

....anyway...mabalik ako sa mother's day...ang sarap lang kasi talaga ng feeling yung maibalik mo sa parents mo ang pasasalamat sa lahat ng sakripisyong nagawa nila sa'yo...even in my own little ways..i want them feel how much they are loved because they deserve it...dati hindi ko pa magawang makipagbiruan sa tatay ko kasi nga lagi nya akong kinukontra...and i hate his reasonings...but this time...i can say that i've grown up to be a very understanding person na pala..or it' s either alam ko na when to respect every person's idea kahit minsan di ko talaga mafigure-out....hindi na ako nakikipagtalo...ako na ang tumatahimik kahit inis na ako..till mapagod sya sa kasasalita and he would stop talking na rin...later on we stopped arguing na rin...kasi naman mas tahimik ako ngayon kesa dati...alam ko na kasi ending ng diskusyon if makipagtagisan pa ako ng galing....

hindi ko nasabi sa mama ko ang linyang "happy mother's day!" but deep in my heart alam ko how much she enjoyed the moment we had together yesterday...aware naman sya sa reason why i dated her...kaya ok na rin yun..hindi lang talaga ako sana'y makipag-exchange ng mga sweet nothings with them eh! para bang i felt awkward...hindi naman kasi ganun ang pagkakilala sa'kin ng nanay ko...sabi nya napakatahimik ko daw na tao...di lang nya alam na sa mga friends ko, ako ang pinakamaingay...abah!may split personality yata ako!normal ba to? kung bakit naman kasi lumaki kaming magkakapatid na hindi sinanay makipag- kornehan sa isa't-isa! yun bang pag nasaktan ko si ate o si kuya i can easily say" i'm sorry!" , sa actions na lang maipapakita if nagsorry talaga ako..ni hindi nga kami nasanay sa tawagan na "ate at kuya" eh! ewan ko ba!hindi naman kami lumaking barbaric na magkakapatid pero wala talagang korne sa pamilya namin! minsan nga nakakapanghinayang...kasi may mga bagay na dapat sabihin talaga to console each other pag may personal problem yung isa...wala lang..we just try to put it into actions...minsan nga humuhupa na lang yung problem ng isa na walang narinig mula sa amin...kaya ako dinadaan ko na lang sa dasal...para kahit papano effective ako na kapatid...minsan naiinggit ako sa iba na hindi nahihiyang magpakita ng emosyon sa mga kapatid at magulang...yun bang may halong beso-beso kapag may mga special occasions...i feel lousy din naman kung gagawin ko yun...alam nyo yung feeling na di nyo nakasanayang gawin...pero unti-unti na kaming may bonding ngayon...dati we didn't hear mass together...but then nung easter sunday...i went to hear mass with papa...then nung huling sunday before mother's day...kasama ko naman si sis nagsimba...ok rin pala na gawin ang mga di nakasanayan ng paunti-unti...dati kasi may kanya kanya kaming rota pag walang trabaho...kahit sunday..may kanya-kanyang lakad...but this time...unti-unti na kaming lumalabas as one...yun naman talaga ang dapat...isang pamilya kami eh and we only have each other to lean on in times na wala na kaming matakbuhan...

ang saya ko nga last Christmas kasi that was the first time na lumabas kami lahat as one family we ate together and shopped together...di ba ang saya nun?....na ang mga di korneng tao...kahit papano mas na-eenjoy deep in their heart na sa buhay ...we have to be corny para maipadama sa isat-isa how much we value our family.

happy mother's day mama! alam ko di mo nababasa blog ko kasi wala kang alam sa computer at medyo shy din akong mabasa mo to' pero i hope you'll realize now how proud I am to have you..kahit minsan naiinis ako na sa tuwing inaabot mo ang pamasahe sa jeepney ay sinasabi mong "senior citizen ka na!"...di ko lang matanggap na matanda ka na...di naman kasi halata sa face mo! lab U!:)

luv song

nagsound trip ako kaninang umaga...ninamnam ko mga lyrics ng bawat luv songs na narinig ko..napagtanto ko na hindi lang pala ito mga kantang nilagyan ng melody upang mapansin ng tao..ang bawat kanta ay may kwento...minsan ito pa ay pumupukaw sa mga matagal na nating naninibughong damdamin...nawawalan lang tayo ng tamang ekspresyon para maipaabot ito o maipadama sa taong involve...ano nga bang meron sa mga kanta?bakit mas tinatamaan tayo kapag inaawit ang mga salita kesa sinsabi lang o tinutula?kapag nasasaktan ako..pakiramdam ko lahat ng kantang nakakalungkot nagsasabi ng kwento ng buhay ko..and its true...naiiyak ako with the songs..para bang ramdam din ng writer ng kanta ang nasa dibdib ko..kasi sabi nila kahit gaano man daw katigas ang puso ng isang tao, we always go back to being human..natatamaan din..marahil minsan gusto lang nating i-deny ang totoo para hindi gaanong nakakatouch ng ego pero ang isip di kayang diktahan ang nilalaman ng puso..di naman ako naniniwala na may taong bato ang damdamin...tirahin mo lang ito sa kung saan sya mahina..dun sa parte na hindi nya kayang mabuhay ng wala ito...hindi bagay kundi ang kanyang kapwa-tao..kaibigan man o kadugo....
....meron akong bagong kaibigan..masasabi kong espesyal na rin sya sa kin ngayon..kelan ko lang sya nakilala pero bawat pag-uusap namin ay para bang isa syang matagal ko nang nawawalang kasama...sa tuwing nag-uusap kami...unti-unti nakikilala ko sya....kabe-break lamang nila ng girlfriend nya kaya isa syang napakalungkot na nilalang bago ko nakilala..sa una nag-alangan ako sa kanya..natakot ako na baka walang epekto sa kanya friendship ko...ngunit sa kalaunan nagulat ako...marunong na syang ngumiti at magpatawa kahit papano..aba!ang sarap ng feeling epektibo din pala ako bilang nilalang..

naranasan nyo na ba yun? sabi nila mas masarap magbigay ng walang hinihintay na kapalit pero natakot ako inaamin ko...nagising ako isang araw na hindi na pala sya ang nangailangan ng karamay...ako na pala..hulaan nyo kung bakit? naku!mukhang nalalayo na ako sa tema ko..mabalik tayo sa luv songs..narinig ko kasi paborito nyang kanta habang nakasakay ako ng jeepney...dinama ko ang lyrics...song nya for his ex-gf..nalungkot ako...ang sakit pala ng pinagdaanan nya...pero ito ang nakakagulat!nasaktan ako ng ninamnam kong pakinggan ang kanta! gusto ko tuloy maiyak!ano ba 'to? wala naman akong kinalaman sa buhay nya kung tutuusin pero bakit sya parang may kinalaman na sa buhay ko!aray ko!tama ba 'to? nasabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko na sana di ko na lang tinanong peborit nyang kanta...kasi naman usyusera ako!kaya ito napala ko!naku naman!pero ok lang mabalik tayo sa sinabi ko na kapag napasaya mo na ang isang tao..di tamang humingi ka ng kapalit...ok lang managinip pero kelangan mo ring magising!...grabe ng tama sa kin ang mga luv songs...para bang sinasabi na nito istorya ng buhay ko...alam ko pag sinubukan mo ring makinig kasama pati puso mo...hindi man maipaliwanag pakiramdam mo tinulungan ka na ng kanta na maipaabot laman ng puso mo sa lahat ng tao.

nagsenti daw ako?!!!hehehehe...epekto lang ng luv songs!:) next time di na siguro ako magtatanong peborit nyang kanta...baka maloka na ako sa sagot nya...hek!hek!

the mother that i know..

not everyday i get to express my emotions into words...when at times it's hard for me to utter a prayer for series of reasons i wish to confide to HIM.... i know for a fact that even when i don't have to say it...just as God could count the numbers of my hair same as He knows with what's within my heart...i guess this time i have made my knees callous...down on bended knee...i know deep in my heart God knows how deep i have been lately with every decision that i'm making each day...so long that i've waited to have felt total serenity not only when inside His holy temple but most importantly in my daily struggles in life..in my everyday encounter with people...i hate to see someone in despair...not even a stanger...it makes me sad...it melts me...that's why it's important to make sure to be somehow giving impact and painting smiles in life....i have always been feeling at peace...but not until i heard mama crying this morning.

what gift could else make happier or the happiest a mother than the love and concern coming from her husband and children?...she may have been talking all the time...whether it's a nagging thing or just to express an opinion but deep inside i know she's still talking less..she hasn't spoken with what's in her heart...

i may have been very good at giving sound advice to friends and people...but not today...i've been speechless hearing my mother bursting in tears...she's hurting..somebody close to her heart caused her such pain...but there's nothing i could do than listen and said nothing...i could not even look at her countenance...coz i know it's hurting me even more...my parents did not bring us up to be very open with our feelings..we're not mushy people...and it seems to me that not being used to it to my family has brought such anxiety in my heart..

...i cannot speak out and tell mama that it's ok coz i'm here...yes i was there when she cried...but i was stucked and remained dumbfounded clinging unto my pillow in bed while listening to that commotion she created so vaguely...but my ears were big to listen..it was mama crying...i could have gotten up and hugged her...but i did nothing...and the startling thought was telling me that it's ok to see her cry...i say.."let go of it mom!"....that tears will help give her relief...because she hasn't been talking what lies deep in her heart...let tears wash away the pain.

i could read mama...and even when she gives endless talking each day...i know a part of what she's not been saying is what makes her surpass from her own struggle......it's the fact that she's a mother...she may have been full of reasoning on her own..some may be quite boring..or some too comforting..that defines her still....i know that when i'll be a mom...i might be talking the same thing...speaking most of the day...feeling much...worrying a bit....but still talking less of my feelings...concealing some....now i know who mama is...and i will most probably be like one someday....maybe.

...happy mother's day mom!

...i'm just an inch away...even when you don't have to speak out...my heart already listens...if it hurts you..it doubly hurts me.

..i luv you so! ...i wouldn't be here if not for you.