How does a single woman give her unsolicited advice to a married one

My cousin has been married for 13 years now. I know that her getting into married life did not begin in a very wonderful romance. It was at first marriage for convenience. I know even from the start because she told me how things happened and why things have to happen.

Her single life back then was like a princess born with a silver spoon. Those times when all that she needed were actually provided by my aunt,her mom. She has a half-brother(a half-american) but her mom got separated to both to her biological dad and her half-brother's american dad. And so my aunt had to pull the load alone being a single mom to her two children. Before she finished college, her mom was diagnosed with a cervical cancer, suffered with the sickness for a year or two but did not survive. My aunt passed away and my cousin was left with nothing since her half-brother already got married during that time, living in a different city so far away from her.

It was as if she was living in a paralytic world when her mom died. She wasn't used to doing things by herself esp. about earning a living. She didn't even know anything about household chores at all. She admitted to herself so bitterly that it was embarrasing to have realized that her growing up pampered with everything by her mom really did not prepare her for a life that will help her grow a mature individual in the future. And she had regrets.

All she had in mind when she got married was that this man will save her from living in an empty solitude of having not knowing where her life might lead her without her real family by her side at all. She simply felt alone and unloved and so when her boyfriend proposed, she simply accepted it hoping that her life will have more of a grand meaning. Later on she admitted that she has already learned to love her husband...providing them with the things she and their children needed.

But then as years went by,she sadly realized that this is not the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She was never free. She married a jealous and insecure man. And that by not allowing her to go out and socialize with her relatives and friends for sometimes made her feel like living in total seclusion. Plus the unreasonable jealousy of her husband telling her so stupidly that when he's not around she might have escaped and met with another man. Even accusing her that the baby she bore might not be his!Oh my!I wonder how did my cousin bear all her husband's stupidity.. forgetting her very own pride as a woman. They would fight almost everyday. Even when they already have 5 kids now..nothing changes. I told her that maybe you need to hear mass for sometimes with your husband so that God will bless this family that you two make. Well, what more could be more painful than realizing that later on she found out that it was her husband who actually cheated her. And that he once went out dating another woman. Her married life for her was like pure hell. But then her husband was wisely able to iron out the issue and so again all went back into normal but the jealousy remains. It hurts me so seeing her telling me while trying to control her tears that she tried to be a good wife and a mother,already wondering if her husband really loves her in the first place.

If only she could forget her responsiblity being a mother to her 5 kids, she might have probably been able now to enjoy her freedom. But a mother will always be a mother, ever willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of her children. At times I get text mesages from her as if begging that I must pay her a visit for sometimes, she ,being hardly able to deal with the boredom by not having this freedom to go out for fear that her husband might just accuse her for something she could never do.

Now, she even blamed her past life being able to enjoy too much of her single life and now this is the prize that she gets. I told her to stop feeling so bitter about her life and regret things because in the first place God bless her with five children who are all lovable. I dont actually know how to comfort her..when just having me by her side listening to all her fears and woes doesn't seem enough. It seems to me that 11 or 12 years it must be of being an emotionally battered wife is just too much for her to bear.

One day, she texted me, telling me that she's going abroad the next day to work. I wonder where the kids are. Her eldest son is only a freshman in high school while her youngest is only two-year-old. And when I asked her how did her husband let her go...she simply replied saying.."He doesn't know..".


Mari said...

Oh, my gosh! The children will be the ones who will suffer...it's always them. And when she leaves he'll go crazy, but then again he'll realize that this is all his fault; that she would not leave without letting him know. What happens then when she comes back? Would he let her see her kids again?

razzy said...

whew... mahirap din situation nya ano... but sometimes running or escaping from things is not the solution, it would only create much, much trouble.. how about the kids?? her husband would freak out if she leaves. Tama si mari, would she see her kids again if she leaves??
It's really a tough one, she should think about it first, para sa kapakanan ng mga bata.. bka magalit sa kanya ang mga bata, mas painful siguro yun..

Agring said...

She is about to do something that she might regret it for the rest of her life. I said that because it involves her children. I guess right now she doesn't know the consequences. She just want to get away from her husband. This is soooo hard!

ev said...

yeah,you're right!If things like this happen,its always the children who get affected.The husband might have realizations if ever he loses her wife..that its all his fault but at the end of it all, i dont think that my cousin's decision to go would help..it might just worsen the situation i guess.

Its hard..tough really. It's easy to give advices but when you're in a worst case scenario..mapapaisip ka talaga. Yun ang tanong, if ever that she really left, i dont think she will still get to see her kids when she comes back. I actually haven't heard from her since she told me about her decision. I asked her about the kids but i don't get any reply. I am sad for the children.

She will really have regrets for leaving her kids...looking at it in a worst case scenario..mahirap mag desisyon kapag mga anak na ang naiipit. I never tried being a mom, but as i see it...how can a mother sacrifice her kids just like that. Though i understand her case but its still not that easy..maliliit pa ang mga bata...di naman nya pwede iyan na lang yun kung kani-kanino di ba?..Sigh!I only hope she'll realize that before its too late at sya pa rin ang mag suffer in the end.

Tikey said...

Malamang kahit me asawa kana mahirap paring mag bigay ng advice. Pero once ur there na in that situation lalon mas mahirap diba?

Minsan mapaglaro ang buhay. Ung gusto natin ngayon hind na natin gusto bukas. Pero ... si Piolo Pascual.. forever addik nato...

kulas said...

Okay, eto pov ng kalog ha: escapo is okay, basta't kayang isikmura sakripisyo ng mga kuting. Habang maaga pa, habang may ganda pa si pinsan mo, habang may pag-asa pang bumangon, move on. Not so easy to do, maybe. Pero, kelangan niyang maging hapi so kahit na malaki ang risk, it may be worth taking.

krystyna said...

Hi Ev!
Very sad story and it's not easy to give an advice. I think that going to the professional psychologist will be helpful for this family.
Take care!

ev said...

Just recently, I received a message from my cousin saying she didn't leave..her husband tried to win her back again. I don't know what will happen next..i only hope this time they'll be able to save their marriage...not only for the kids but for the vow that they promised each other before entering into marriage life.

Anonymous said...

Its not really easy to give advice. Sometimes even if we put our self in their shoe.

Shoshana said...

Being single and having good advise is not mutually exclusive.

So yea, if you have good advise for someone, share with them if they could really use it. They might not like hearing it, but maybe it will help them make decent decisions when it calls for it.