Eighty-two years old na si nanay. She's actually my lola.. granny.. grandmother. Nanay ang tawag naming mga apo nya sa kanya..yun na kasi ang aming nakasanayan. Magtatatlong linggo na rin syang nakaratay sa kanyang karamdaman..the doctor said that most of her body organs have been slowly malfunctioning. Matagal na rin syang diabetic. At dala na rin siguro ng katandaan...but we're hopeful.Kahit matanda na si nanay at kelangan na rin magpahinga...mahirap pa rin isipin ang posibilidad dahil sa kanyang karamdaman.
Nung isang linggo,dinala sya sa ospital dahil hirap syang huminga. Hindi ako maka-decide kung papasok ba ako sa school or just stay at the hospital. I wondered if that would be my last time to see her. She was drowsy and so weak in bed hardly able to catch her breath.
Kinabahan ako because at that very instance, she gathered all of her sons and daughters...even her grandchildren. They're all 11 if i counted it right...panganay si papa. Si nanay na lang ang natitira kong grandparent. I am not really close to her..partly because we don't see each other often because she lives in the province. But I love her..kahit may mga favorites sya ok lang.
Sumaglit akong pumasok sa class ko nung araw na yun, i left the hospital for awhile thinking everything will be alright. Nagkataon namang wala pala kaming pasok, kaya bumalik ako ng ospital. Pagbalik ko, andun na halos lahat ng mga anak ni nanay. My aunt,their youngest, kept crying while looking at nanay's condition. And then my initial reaction-- I couldn't bear to see and feel the turmoil and so I went out. I said to myself "ayoko ng ganitong moment"...naaalala ko si kuya.
After three days in the hospital, the doctor advised na pwede na sya ilabas. Not that her condition is better. Pero, para bang "the hospital can no longer do any miracle to save her condition". We're sad. We are even advised to stop giving her medication.
The last time i gave nanay a visit was last saturday, sa bahay ng tita ko. Somehow i felt a bit relieved seeing her a little better and able to converse with me. I saw my aunt and my cousin nursing her like a baby. Hardly able to do things her way..even when responding the call of nature.
Likas sa'tin na we really take care of our old folks even to the last minute. At eto yung isang bagay na i'm proud to know that we have. I pray still for miracle for nanay....and that God may let her stay even a little longer..maybe to prepare her love ones about letting go...I dont know...i hope this is not a selfish wish...just not to feel the hurt...I hate goodbyes.
25.1.07
i will be here..
I really love the message of this song...
Tomorrow mornin’ if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I… I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
‘Cause I… I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like bein’ quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winnin’ and losin’ and tryin’
We’ll be together
‘Cause I will be here
Tomorrow mornin’ if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I… I’ll be here
Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I… I will be here
I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we’re older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me
I… I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
‘Cause I…
I will be here….
We’ll be together, forever
‘Cause I will be here
I will be here
Tomorrow mornin’ if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I… I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
‘Cause I… I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like bein’ quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winnin’ and losin’ and tryin’
We’ll be together
‘Cause I will be here
Tomorrow mornin’ if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I… I’ll be here
Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I… I will be here
I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we’re older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me
I… I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
‘Cause I…
I will be here….
We’ll be together, forever
‘Cause I will be here
I will be here
23.1.07
"My Five Juicy Secrets"...tagged by Shoshana.
Hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos kagabi...my insomnia struck,apat na oras lang ata tulog ko... nagbilang ako ng tupa, kaso ala pa rin,hinanap ko pa ang nawalang tupa..lalo akong di naktulog!nyahahaha! kaya yaman rin lang na maramot ang antok, pinag-isipan ko ang tag na ito ni Shoshana sa'kin. Pangalawang tag na ito ni shana, di ko ginawa yung una, hehe!kaya bago pa ako isumpa ni shan, eto na kaibigan, sasagutin ko na tag mo na nagmula kay gandang ghee...it's called "My five juicy secrets".... Sabi nga ni kaibigang Shoshana, answering Tag is like a bare-yourself-thing without taking off your clothes....hmmm...we'll see what we can do here...
1. Malikot ako matulog- One time, ang himbing ng tulog ko nang biglang may.."bog!!!", i thought i was only dreaming, yun pala nahuhulog na ako sa higaan ko!araykopoh!ang sakit kaya ng katawan ko kinaumagahan!--pero kahit kelan di ko naikwento 'to, nakakahiya.;0
2. Hindi ako marunong lumangoy-
I love the beach..i love the water...pero asahan mong nasa dalampasigan lang ako, sa kababawan ng tubig...secret ba 'to?hmmm...la lang!
3. May tampo ako sa mga dating kaibigan-
Kapag nalaman nila ito, isusumpa nila ako for keeping this to myself for quite a long time. People change...not only lovers..but even good friends. I even hate to realize that i have serious regret over the people i considered my very best friends. Narealize ko na nagbabago pala talaga ang tao...when all of them found their mates,akala ko normal lang yun,kahit walang kumustahan mula sa kanila ok lang... syempre inluv sila duon umiiikot mundo nila..broad-minded naman akong tao, pero later on i realized hindi rin naman ako manhid para di ma-feel that I couldn't't fit myself into the picture at all (in their system). Hindi ako possessive na tao, but i despise rejection. Sana lang mali ako... I value my friends so much, kaya siguro i was so hurt when i realize that "one tends to forget that aside from being a lover, he\she is also a friend." Pero nung nagkabf ako, bakit halos bawat detalye ng buhay ko gusto ko part pa rin sila? Nuon akala ko, i can't go on without them, pero ngayon, sabi ko sa sarili ko, if they change, bakit ako hindi? Hirap ako maglet-go ng mahalaga sa buhay ko..till now, i am still learning,kaya lang, mas kaya ko na gawin ngayon ang mga bagy-bagay all by myself....just that this time.."mas mahal ko na sarili ko kesa dati.."
4. Nagtatago ako sa C.R. kapag gusto kong umiyak-
I am not a pretender...but i just feel like mas kaya kong ilabas ang nararamdaman ko when i am alone. Tapos pag gusto ko nang lumabas, kunwari naghilamos ako ng mukha para di halatang namumula mata ko kaiiyak.;0
5. Mahal ko pa rin ang huling lalaking dumating sa buhay ko--
pero ayoko nang pag-usapan..masaya na sya saan man sya ngayon...and the rest is history.
Ayaw ko mag-tag.;0)
1. Malikot ako matulog- One time, ang himbing ng tulog ko nang biglang may.."bog!!!", i thought i was only dreaming, yun pala nahuhulog na ako sa higaan ko!araykopoh!ang sakit kaya ng katawan ko kinaumagahan!--pero kahit kelan di ko naikwento 'to, nakakahiya.;0
2. Hindi ako marunong lumangoy-
I love the beach..i love the water...pero asahan mong nasa dalampasigan lang ako, sa kababawan ng tubig...secret ba 'to?hmmm...la lang!
3. May tampo ako sa mga dating kaibigan-
Kapag nalaman nila ito, isusumpa nila ako for keeping this to myself for quite a long time. People change...not only lovers..but even good friends. I even hate to realize that i have serious regret over the people i considered my very best friends. Narealize ko na nagbabago pala talaga ang tao...when all of them found their mates,akala ko normal lang yun,kahit walang kumustahan mula sa kanila ok lang... syempre inluv sila duon umiiikot mundo nila..broad-minded naman akong tao, pero later on i realized hindi rin naman ako manhid para di ma-feel that I couldn't't fit myself into the picture at all (in their system). Hindi ako possessive na tao, but i despise rejection. Sana lang mali ako... I value my friends so much, kaya siguro i was so hurt when i realize that "one tends to forget that aside from being a lover, he\she is also a friend." Pero nung nagkabf ako, bakit halos bawat detalye ng buhay ko gusto ko part pa rin sila? Nuon akala ko, i can't go on without them, pero ngayon, sabi ko sa sarili ko, if they change, bakit ako hindi? Hirap ako maglet-go ng mahalaga sa buhay ko..till now, i am still learning,kaya lang, mas kaya ko na gawin ngayon ang mga bagy-bagay all by myself....just that this time.."mas mahal ko na sarili ko kesa dati.."
4. Nagtatago ako sa C.R. kapag gusto kong umiyak-
I am not a pretender...but i just feel like mas kaya kong ilabas ang nararamdaman ko when i am alone. Tapos pag gusto ko nang lumabas, kunwari naghilamos ako ng mukha para di halatang namumula mata ko kaiiyak.;0
5. Mahal ko pa rin ang huling lalaking dumating sa buhay ko--
pero ayoko nang pag-usapan..masaya na sya saan man sya ngayon...and the rest is history.
Ayaw ko mag-tag.;0)
19.1.07
Wait...
The nine days early dawn mass(Misa de Gallo) or simbang gabi,as has been traditionally done in the Philippines before Christmastime, is really something that every member of the Catholic church looks forward to. Whatever each churchgoer's motive may be in going to mass at early dawn(coz they say that your wish will come true if you are able to complete the nine days). Oh!I wasn't able to complete it..., well it's still nice to see young and old folks gathered together to witness the celebration of the mass.
The sermon of the priest on day one still echoes on me-- "the waiting". Most often than not, we get too impatient about things. We may not be on a rush, but being able to wait sometimes couldn't help from painting wrinkled face in us, we even get upset. I admit being impatient sometimes...i'm guilty of that...even when I find myself standing in a row for an hour with the longest line to pay bills. But the priest's sermon was a reality check on me. And that most of our life actually is spent in waiting.
Waiting inside your car or a bus hardly able to move because the traffic is disgusting. Waiting for four to five years to finish a course to get a diploma so you can find a better job after. A pregnant mom waiting enduringly for nine months before she can give birth to a beautiful baby. Waiting for your visa abroad to be granted. A wife waiting for her husband to be home from work and her children from school. A family member working abroad waiting for his/her contract to end so he/she can go back home and be reunited with his/her love ones. And even the waiting of single men and women for the right time to find and meet their true love.
Most of our days are spent in waiting. And it's true. But human as we are, sometimes we could hardly wait. And the more we hurry, the more we even get to feel delayed by circumstances.
It's a fact that we wait because we know deep in our hearts that there is something to look forward to...and it could have been the dream we long waited to happen...we hope..we wait...because there is a perfect season for everything...there is a promise waiting to come true ..there is a brighter tomorrow waiting to be unfold.
We never really run out of time... because time only runs out the moment we give up.
The sermon of the priest on day one still echoes on me-- "the waiting". Most often than not, we get too impatient about things. We may not be on a rush, but being able to wait sometimes couldn't help from painting wrinkled face in us, we even get upset. I admit being impatient sometimes...i'm guilty of that...even when I find myself standing in a row for an hour with the longest line to pay bills. But the priest's sermon was a reality check on me. And that most of our life actually is spent in waiting.
Waiting inside your car or a bus hardly able to move because the traffic is disgusting. Waiting for four to five years to finish a course to get a diploma so you can find a better job after. A pregnant mom waiting enduringly for nine months before she can give birth to a beautiful baby. Waiting for your visa abroad to be granted. A wife waiting for her husband to be home from work and her children from school. A family member working abroad waiting for his/her contract to end so he/she can go back home and be reunited with his/her love ones. And even the waiting of single men and women for the right time to find and meet their true love.
Most of our days are spent in waiting. And it's true. But human as we are, sometimes we could hardly wait. And the more we hurry, the more we even get to feel delayed by circumstances.
It's a fact that we wait because we know deep in our hearts that there is something to look forward to...and it could have been the dream we long waited to happen...we hope..we wait...because there is a perfect season for everything...there is a promise waiting to come true ..there is a brighter tomorrow waiting to be unfold.
We never really run out of time... because time only runs out the moment we give up.
17.1.07
Between fences....
Its been a year since I did my last post here...and now its 2007!hehe!hope my readers get my humor...(wink!) Anyway, since it's "year of the pig", i would like to share this pig story that my family encountered back then.
One time, my father was tending pig in our backyard. It was a short-lived encounter though for after awhile,the pig was slaughtered as an offering for the feast of our patron Saint in our town, however, that instance still left a greater realization inside of me. One day, our neighbor in her mid 40's came knocking our door, seemingly agitated. She was complaining over the stink that she could smell coming from our yard. We were polite and open to feedbacks and so the next day, father made sure that the pigpen wouldn't stink and managed to keep the pig area clean. Mother said we were not suppose to raise animals like this because no matter what, it would still be blowing unpleasant odor anyhow.
The following days, the same woman came to our house but not for the same reason. She wanted her uniform for work be sewn by mother (my mom is a dressmaker), but wanted to bargain the price of her uniform at a cheaper cost. She was often blunt,a talker and tactless to my family. But what kept me wonder was that each time we come across the street, her face is often blank...sometimes even indifferent, its as if she doesn't know us...hardly even care throwing a "civil" smile...one would probably think that we're never neighbors. We can never be judgmental to people but people in the her neighborhood can tell how arrogant she often appeared to be. Later then, i heard my sister,able to trace her background, that she actually came from a very poor family. There is nothing wrong with being poor, but there is a big wrong with forgetting where you actually came from once you've raised your status in life just a little higher.
About a year after, while doing the household chores, I heard loud cries of pigs from outside our fence. I peeped from my room's window, trying to figure out myself if I heard it right or was I just hallucinating. And alas! the cacophonies were as clear as thunder from the woman's backyard who once came to us complaining about the stink. And oh!i smelled stinks!and i said to myself...tsk,tsk,tsk...life is really a cycle.
Morrie Scwhartz is right in Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie"...."if you're trying to show off for people at the top,forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."
One time, my father was tending pig in our backyard. It was a short-lived encounter though for after awhile,the pig was slaughtered as an offering for the feast of our patron Saint in our town, however, that instance still left a greater realization inside of me. One day, our neighbor in her mid 40's came knocking our door, seemingly agitated. She was complaining over the stink that she could smell coming from our yard. We were polite and open to feedbacks and so the next day, father made sure that the pigpen wouldn't stink and managed to keep the pig area clean. Mother said we were not suppose to raise animals like this because no matter what, it would still be blowing unpleasant odor anyhow.
The following days, the same woman came to our house but not for the same reason. She wanted her uniform for work be sewn by mother (my mom is a dressmaker), but wanted to bargain the price of her uniform at a cheaper cost. She was often blunt,a talker and tactless to my family. But what kept me wonder was that each time we come across the street, her face is often blank...sometimes even indifferent, its as if she doesn't know us...hardly even care throwing a "civil" smile...one would probably think that we're never neighbors. We can never be judgmental to people but people in the her neighborhood can tell how arrogant she often appeared to be. Later then, i heard my sister,able to trace her background, that she actually came from a very poor family. There is nothing wrong with being poor, but there is a big wrong with forgetting where you actually came from once you've raised your status in life just a little higher.
About a year after, while doing the household chores, I heard loud cries of pigs from outside our fence. I peeped from my room's window, trying to figure out myself if I heard it right or was I just hallucinating. And alas! the cacophonies were as clear as thunder from the woman's backyard who once came to us complaining about the stink. And oh!i smelled stinks!and i said to myself...tsk,tsk,tsk...life is really a cycle.
Morrie Scwhartz is right in Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie"...."if you're trying to show off for people at the top,forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."
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