10.12.05

To my brother in heaven....

Kumusta ka na? God.. i miss you so much!! each time i would think of the day i last saw you, you still seem so alive in my mind.... i know we're not raised to be the closest siblings but then thoughts of you still hurt me so. i confess, i was not ready with your goodbye.... alam mo bro, when the news was broke to us, i really asked God why it had to be you and not me....yah! that was four years ago...maaring nakarecover na rin sila mama...but then each time i see your children, i still wish that it had to be me and not you...ok lang naman sakin in exchange of you ...i don't have a family of my own to raise...God could choose not to forgive me for questioning His reasons and i really did ask for forgiveness for stupidly thinking so...

...heto kami,sometimes we still disagree on some things that heated our egos into little fights...sana masaya ka dyan, alam ko mahal ka ng Diyos...i know how much sacrifices you have had before for your wife and children....nakakapanghinayang pa rin, coz i still wish you'd see how much your kids have grown up to be like the way you look...how i wish to see you smiling each time the kids would boast of how much accomplishments they get in their studies....you must be a proud father!

....bakit nga ba nagpaalam ka on the day before my birthday? ang sakit nun bro, ang daya ng tadhana...,bro...hindi pa pala kita natawag na kuya eversince...kasi naman hindi tayo nasanay sa ganung tawagan...oo nga! bakit nga ba sa kaarawan ko pa, ilang birthdays tuloy akong hindi makapag-celebrate, kasi iba ang celebration...alam mo, from then on, parang i don't wanna celebrate my birthday anymore...i'm not blaming you ha! but i must admit, i also questioned God why it had to be on that day...mabuti na lang God is so forgiving at naiintindihan nya na tao lang ako na minsan hindi ko talaga ma-grasp mga paraan nya...but i know you're the kids' angel now....kumusta na kaya ang buhay mo dyan?.... i'm sure there's no more sadness and heartaches there....people are right, we will only realize the value of a person when he's gone...

...pasensya ka na i was not able to visit you at the hospital, kasi naman i was planning then to celebrate my birthday there, kaso hindi ka umabot...alam mo bang i really had a dream after your wake, and i saw myself attending you at the hospital...and God! you were so alive! grabeng guilt ko nung time na yun, kasi hindi kita talaga napagsilbihan...alam mo bang mas masakit maiwan kesa mang-ewan? pero ok na ako ngayon, ang tagal ko ring nakarecover kasi i was thinking of mama the whole time nun, nag-worry ako bout her health and i forgot about my own feeling...kaya late ko na masyado narealize how hurt i was to have lost you in the family.

...syanga pala, we now live in a world full of selfish and corrupt people....you're lucky having not to witness it all now....but i worry for the kids generation...please be their angel...i miss you bro...we all miss you! but i know you're happy wherever you are...i must know that...i miss you so!

2 comments:

glad said...

Hi sis,

got carried away with ur post. I'm almost crying here..whew. It's really hard saying goodbye to those people who plays big part in our lives. i've once experienced that, it was when my lolo past away...a hell lot of pain. I was like you, i even said "sana ako na lang". but you know, i have to move on. mahirap..but lolo help me accept it. I could say i'm ok na and life gets back to normal again. I feel ur pain..but we have to move along and accept the fact that this is the "life's cycle".

If only i could take away ur pain, u know i will...but hopefully my words could somehow ease ur pain.

I know ur bro wouldn't be happy watching u still in pain. Learn from it and give that undivided care and love to those people who are still alive. That's what i'm doing right now, i couldn't turn back time..but i could do what i miss doing in my lolo's time to the people who's close to my heart right now.


We're always here..u know u mean so much to me. Ur a real friend with a soft heart.

Be brave.

ev said...

tnx tya for dropping by....i appreciate it...i know you're a sincere person.

evs